Iceland - Post-Trip Analysis - In Which Our Hero Explains a Thing or Two

 You've read about my day-to-day journeys in Iceland. Now I want to look back on it and talk about some things. 

This trip wasn't about fun. It wasn't about seeing beautiful things. This trip was about two things: testing my mental illnesses and being my own person. I was only able to pay for this trip because I'm on disability from my mental illnesses preventing me from holding down a job. I paid for this trip with back pay from this. This is money the federal government said that they owed me for the time I became unable to work up until the time that I received my first disability paycheck. 

As great as this trip was, I'm neither blessed nor lucky to have been able to go. I'm cursed and was able to go because of money from that curse. I'd trade every second I spent in Iceland (no offense Arnar and Soffía) for the ability to hold down even a part time job. As much stress as you get from your jobs, take solace in knowing that you have the ability to work. Your stress is valid, mind you. My struggles do not diminish yours, in any way. I feel subhuman because of my mental health. Many of you feel subhuman because of how jobs treat you. I'm aware. I'm just saying that I'd trade it all for a different kind of struggle. 

Iceland was just the beginning of my ultimate war against my mind. I tested my anxiety. I tested my will to survive. I couldn't test my rage and ptsd, though. After all other battles, those two will be the hardest to fight. Iceland is such a friendly place and has very little in common with West Tennessee, so they couldn't be tested. I think that's for the better, though. Testing everything at once could prove impossible to return from. Further travels will be used for those. 

I'll admit that I anticipated a bit more trouble with my mental health. The guesthouse felt like my dorm in college, though. So, there was a sense of familiarity. Iceland reminded me a lot of home, in general. To say that Iceland has a lot in common with California would be an understatement. I looked at it and saw what California would likely be, if we had less people. With such kinds of feelings of familiarity, my mental health wasn't a real issue after that feeling sank in. 

As I said before, though, the mental health was only one part of the trip. Having a chance to be my own person was very integral to the trip. I had to make the decisions on how much money I'd spend on food, instead of souvenirs. I had to make the decisions of how I'd get to my destinations. I had to make the decisions about what risks were worth taking on my adventures. I learned things from all of those decisions, except except transit. I already dealt with a lot of that. I just didn't have the option of waiting around to ask for a ride. 

When it comes to the money: I realized how easily satisfied I can be, with food. I ate a lot of cup of noodles. I didn't go out to restaurants and buy things. I stayed with the simple, affordable things. I learned that noodles and protein bars can fuel me to a satisfactory level. Yeah, I had more than just those. They were what I had most, though. 

The risks one was interesting. For a few years, my motto has been "I have life insurance." In Iceland, I learned that there are times when I don't care about my motto. When I knew that pushing forward through the wind on the mountain would surely lead to my doom, I didn't care that I had life insurance. I turned around. I headed to the valley. Sure, I got up on some dangerous lava rock when I got to the valley but I wasn't aware of how dangerous it was. I also learned to navigate my risks, in a way. When I'm out of breath and I feel like I'm going to fall down, I look ahead at a point in the distance and tell myself to make it there. Then I do it again for another point, and keep doing it again and again. I sort of trick my mind into not thinking about certain risks. I learned that when I was hiking the mountain near the volcano. 

The strangest thing I learned from my time in Iceland is that there's truth to the saying "there's no place like home". I was worried that I'd be depressed when I was getting ready to leave. I ended up being excited. After all I had seen and done, I was ready to get back to California. When I saw California, as the plane descended into the state, I smiled. When I saw palm trees, after I arrived, I was sort of excited. When I got home and smelled weed, in the driveway, I was relieved. I already knew that I love California. I just didn't realize how much I love it. 

I'm not sure if future travels will hit the same way that this did, but only time will tell. Maybe I'll learn something on my train ride from LA to Seattle. Maybe I'll learn something from staying in New York City for a week. 

This was truly a remarkable experience, but I'd trade it all for better mental health and the ability to work. 

- Lance J. M.